SYMPTOMS of
JOHNNY DEPP OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
you know you have JDOCD when... 1. You have a serious addiction to all things connected to Johnny Depp.
2. You compulsively download every known picture of JD.
3.
Everyone is talking about a picture at a link that you cannot get to to
save your life and you think you are having a heart attack.
4.
You stay up till after midnight and/or get up at 5:00 AM to check the
JDZ just to make sure you haven't missed anything good.
5.
You have a window open to The Porch, The News Board, and a work-related
thing just in case the boss knocks on your office door.
6. You have a car decal of Capt Jack Sparrow that says, "Got Eyeliner?"
7.
You have a t-shirt that says "Sleepy Hollow" on the front, and on the
back it says "Heads Will Roll," and you wear it to church.
8. You have a Viper Room tank top that you won't let even your best friend borrow, God forbid they shrink it in the laundry.
9. You impatiently wait the 20-30 minutes it takes until you can vote for Johnny on the Hello! poll again.
10.
You have to have your morning coffee in the cup that says "Inspector
Abberline... From Hell" with JD's pic staring at you with your puffy
morning eyes.
11. You have his movie posters covering your entire room.
12. You try to post something to someone and your computer goes haywire and it makes you cry.
13. You check in several times a day to your favorite JD websites.
14. You have the overwhelming compulsion to watch his movies and/or TV clips over and over ad nauseam.
15. You resist the 12-step JDOCD program, insisting that there is nothing wrong with you.
16. You risk jobs, friendships and in extreme cases, even your families to slake your desire to see more of Johnny.
17. You have all the pictures from the August GQ magazine (head shots only) clipped to the visors in your car.
18.
You have a type of rollodex file contraption with over 40 head shots of
JD hanging on a metal ring, from the dashboard of your car and
everyday, you flip it over to the next picture and GOD FORBID, should
anyone get in the car and flip the pictures without putting it back to
the one at the beginning...
19.
You are watching your tapes of Johnny interviews (again) and you notice
little things like how he pronounced a word or that he was fiddling
with his rings...
20. You have a binder of Johnny pics that are all in sheet protectors...
21. You force everyone to watch Johnny movies until they "understand"...
22. Your hubby wants to be intimate with you and you say, "Just a minute, honey," while you slip INTO your Viper Room tank top.
23. The only music you listen to are soundtracks from Johnny's movies!
24. You get into a mini catfight with the 10-year-old girl you babysit about who is better: Johnny or Orlando.
25.
It takes a supreme superhuman effort to keep yourself from checking the
Zone for just one day and consider it a test of willpower to resist,
but resistance is futile!
26. You wear a chain with a banana charm just to remind yourself of Captain Sparrow.
27. You make up an excuse to run an errand. In reality, you are running home to sign on and see what you missed!
28. Your internet goes down at work and you realize an update has been posted.
29. One of your friends with JDOCD is starting to worry about YOU because everything you say turns out to be a line from POTC.
30.
Your 86-year-old father says (about the GQ Men of the Year Award show):
"Well, honey, it doesn't look like YOUR MAN is going to be on after
all!"
31.
You know the entire dialogue to POTC and carry on a POTC conversation
with your kids in the car as if it's real! (They know the whole
dialogue, too.)
32.
As a gag, you answer the phone at work with: "Good Morning, WHAT SAY
YOU!" (and pray that the boss doesn't find out that you did it).
33. The ONLY costume you even considered for Halloween is Capt. Jack Sparrow!
34. You wear your Capt. Jack Sparrow bandana around the house when vacuuming.
35.
You know JD is going to be on TV and you aren't going to be home... you
set your VCR... have to check and make sure you set it up right about
20 times... feel uncomfortable all the time you are gone...
wondering... did I set that VCR up right? When you get home... do not
take off coat... go directly to VCR and check it out.
36. You buy Viper Room merchandise online even though you're not even old enough to get into the club.
37. You keep the package the VR merchandise came in because it has the address to the VR on it.
38. You have pics of JD as your screen saver and your wallpaper, at home AND at work.
39.
Your 20-year-old son comes home and from the front hallway (where he
can't even see or hear where you are) yells, "In the den watching
Johnny again are we?" And he's right.
40.
When you don't trust that you've programmed your VCR right, you stay up
because he's on a news show that is on at 1 am to watch the one minute
(which is usually at the end of the show) interview even though you
have to get up at 5 am.
41.
You constantly talk about his movies in abbreviations (POTC, ES, WEGG,
BNF, AW, SH, etc.) to your friends even though they have no idea what
you are talking about.
42.
You painstakingly copy the POTC script and edit it to include photos of
the movie interspersed at the proper locations, copies of the movie
posters and cast lists at the beginning and reviews at the end. You
also copy JD's biography, filmography into another document and add to
it every article you can find. Planning all the while to print it all
out into an sectioned album of his life. The next step will be to have
it autographed someday.
43.
Whenever you have a moment of down time you play "6 degrees of Johnny
Depp" in your head. And get really frustrated when you can't do it.
44.
You stay up until 1:00 a.m. making the Capt Jack & Edward
Scissorhands pumpkin stencils (finely cutting then out with an exacto
knife on this plastic filmy stuff that will last for many years)for all
20 people in your department at work because they need to know what
they are missing.
45. You have so many pictures of JD saved it takes over an hour to go through them on your screen saver.
46. All of the pictures on your computer are arranged: by theme, expression, overall color, movie, or chronological order.
47.
In the middle of the afternoon your husband Instant Messages you and it
starts out, "YO PORCH HO", Because he knows I am in the exact same
postion I was in when he left that morning. Still Zoning and on THE
PORCH!!!!!!!
48.
9 out of the 10 websites on your "favorites list" are there because
they are either a website dedicated to Johnny, contain a poll with
Johnny in them, or have screen caps of one of his movies.
49.
You have used up your 50 posts on the Porch and are frantically trying
to figure out how to get a new IP address or count down the minutes
till it resets at midnight.
50. You check eBay every day for Johnny Depp items and are willing to pay $20 or more for a JD magazine -- and you are broke!
51. You tape an appearance of his on television... twice, for no reason other than to have two copies of it.
52.
Your hubby says, "Who the hell is Klaus Badelt, and why do we have to
listen to this again and again and again in bed?" Silly man, doesn't he
get it?
53.
You always get in trouble at school, because you pretend Johnny is with
you. And when he told you a funny joke, you laughed out loud then got
detention because you later found out that your teacher had just told
the class her father died.--> (hahahaha...!!)
54.
Your online business is tanking because you spend the whole workday on
Johnny Depp websites while you tell your husband, "Business is just so
slow right now and I don't know why!"
55. You read the Playpit comments about Orlando and think to yourself, "Oh, grow up!"
56.
You have a reserved chair in Borders bookstore because you spend so
much time there leafing through every magaine they have for pictures of
Johnny you might have missed.
57. You buy one copy of every new magazine Johnny is in and seven more copies "just in case."
58. You rent the 2-disc DVD version of Lost In La Mancha
from your video store, and when you see the Johnny interview on the 2nd
disc you just can't give it back. So you just return 1 disc and tell
the video store a cockamamie story about how the missing disc was not
there when you rented it.
59. You steal one of your little sister's Ken dolls and dress it up like Johnny, so that he's always in your room.
60.
You are actually proud of yourself because you resisted the temptation
to buy an Edward Scissorhands and Private Lerner doll. And you are 49
years old!
61. You read books on the psychology of persuasion so that you can convince your anti-JD friends to like him...
62. You actually CONSIDER whether you'd be willing to lay down enough dinero to buy Johnny's wine.
63.
You leave home with a shopping list and arrive at your local Wal-mart,
and find a really cheap JD DVD and then find yourself driving home
excited to plug it in and watch DVD extras, only to realize you've
forgotten your toilet paper, dog biscuits, Advil and cigarettes. So
much for shopping lists!
64.
You constantly go to Barnes and Noble and leaf through all the
magazines in hopes that they will have something, if anything, about
Johnny.
65. You listen to the POTC soundtrack 24/7 and start to make up words to go with the songs.
66. You make a Johnny Voodoo Doll and take care of it as if it was your son.
67. You clean the ceilings as Sam in Benny and Joon while you listen to "Pushin' Forward Back".
68. You highlight Johnny's name in all the places where you find it.
69. You have a Johnny shrine near your bed and pray for him every night there. (yo ho..! safra's know best..:P)
70. You have nicknames for every Johnny character.
71. You write "Johnny" in your schoolbooks.
72.
Someone just MENTIONS his name, and you go on and on and on and on and
on and on and on about how good of a person he is and how great of a
dad he is and how he's a truly amazing actor and how he is sooo
handsome and how he has a true wonder of love and life and... whew...
you loose your train of thought... :)
73. (At least) Every other thought centers around JD.
74. You find yourself saying "Argg" . . . all of the time!
75.
Someone around you says they love Johnny and your FRIENDS respond with
"OH NO!!! you have no idea about her!" ::pointing to you::
76. You go to sleep thinking of JD and he's your first thought when you wake up.
77. You hear the name John or Johnny on the television and automatically freak right out and turn up the volume. (ngiah ngiah..!)
78.
You have your Johnny shrine on your wall, and you didn't want to rip or
cut any of the pictures out of magazines with Johnny on the cover, so
you pin the whole thing up there.
79. When you only leave the house for a walk to the mailbox to check for movies/books being delivered.
80. You copy down the list of symptoms and save it in your JD file on you computer.
CURES?
Scientists and psychologists around the world have studied it
and there are 2 schools of thought on how to treat this.1) You must totally cut yourself off from anything connected to JD...no zone, no emails, movies, music, nothing, nada, zip....
OR 2)
You must totally immerse yourself in everything connected to JD...the
zone, continuous soundtracks playing, movie playing, pictures on your
monitor and wall and you must continuously quote lines from his
movies....
Unfortunately there is no known cure (thank god)
but you can at least try to lessen the symptoms.
** ps: ;) you know me...
